Our relationships with those who are giving us feedback are, obviously, an important factor in how we receive the feedback they give us. Thus, Stone and Heen’s second “trigger” in their book, Thanks for the Feedback, is the “truth trigger.” Here, I’ll cover the two big pitfalls of feedback conversations caused by relationship triggers: switchtracking and the blame game.
Switchtracking
This means that the two people having the feedback conversation start talking about two separate things — even though they both think that they are talking about the same thing. For example,
Manager: I’ve told you before that our marketing materisl have to adhere to the new brand guidelines. This work is not up to par.
Employee (out loud): I tried to make this according to guidelines, but I wasn’t able to do my best work in the hour that I was given to complete the task. (In their head): Are you kidding me?? You never give me enough time to get things done, then it’s my fault when it isn’t done well?!
Track 1: This work is not up to snuff.
Track 2: You haven’t given me the time I needed to do this assignment well. Silent Track 2: Your delegation and management skills are terrible.
So how do we move forward?
- Understand how you feel about the person giving you feedback.
- Examine how the person giving you the feedback makes you feel.
- Identify the two tracks of the conversation and make to sure to give each track its own conversations)
The blame game
Relationships are systems; they are never one-way endeavors. Which is to say that both people in a feedback conversation have contributed to the issue at hand. The only way to make progress here is to take a few steps back and analyze the issue from a distance.
Stone and Heen recommend a three step analysis:
- “You + Me Intersections” (our usual M.O. and how it intersects with the other person’s and what that means for the conflict)
- “Role clashes” (how our roles impact the issue)
- “The Big Picture” (impact of policy, processes, structures, and other people on the situation)
This analysis will allow you to step back from the ‘blame game’ by getting rid of the unnecessary judgement that often makes its way into these conversations and allowing all parties to be accountable. Eliminating the egos and increasing accountability will help you get to the root of the problem.
This method won’t work, however, unless you accept that you are part of the problem. If the feedback giver isn’t willing to own up to their own part, try something like, “Here is what would help me change.”
I said that like it was going to be easy… but it won’t be. I’ve been through it, and come out on the other side so I can confidently say: this approach works. Conversations will change.
Go ahead, give it a try with that difficult person in your life.
According to Aubs 