See Feedback: Part I for a breakdown of Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. They outline three types of feedback (evaluation, coaching, and appreciation) and three “triggers” that make feedback hard to take (truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers). I’m going to cover Truth Triggers here; what they are, how to avoid it, and how I’ve dealt with it in the past.
What is it?
We tend to get our hackles up when we hear feedback. Stone and Heen call this “wrong spotting,” it’s when we actively look for ways in which the feedback we are getting is wrong. This happens lot Sometimes the feedback is just plain wrong, like when someone tells you to use an outdated marketing standard. Other times, we’re quick to dismiss feedback that we find unhelpful, like “You need to improve your time management skills.” No kidding; why don’t you try telling me how?! (note: good coaching does not start with an explicit evaluation as that puts people on the defensive.)
How to get around it?
This is one of my favorites: when you get generic feedback (usually in the form of a label), think about 1) where it came from, and 2) where it is going. You have to work to understand where the feedback is coming from: the behaviors that they’ve observed or heard about, and how they’ve interpreted these actions (or non-actions).
Once you’ve wrapped your head around that, the next step is to figure out why they spoke up. It’ll give you a window into where the feedback is going. I know, it’s a lot of work for you, the recipient of the feedback, to do. I promise it’s worth it. You’ll want to know why they spoke up; they might be offering advice, or warning of consequences. Here is a guide to help you decrypt coaching and evaluation “truth triggers.”
Coaching
When you are receiving coaching, it’s important to make sure that you are crystal clear on the advice they’re giving you. This is a good time to think about your learning style(s). You might need to ask them to model the behavior they’re asking of you, or give an example. Coaching only works if it comes in a form that you can learn from, so don’t be shy. As always, ask questions if you are unclear on anything. I like to paraphrase here, like “So what I’m hear is that in order to have more success with an event like this in the future, I should work with these companies 4-6 months ahead of time instead.” Start with I, don’t put words in their mouths.
Evaluation
Again, ask questions. You want to be clear on the potential consequences and the expectations. Evaluation is hard because it’s usually letting you know that you’re not meeting the expectations held by the feedback giver. Since it’s hard to hear, we often forget to ask a whole host of questions we later wish we had. A (short) laundry list might look like this:
- How did you arrive at this assessment? What norms or benchmarks did you use?
- Are there consequences I should be aware of?
- Are there things that I can do or learn to change this evaluation? Like what?
- When might we reassess?
I’ll cover how to get past the emotional stuff long enough to ask these questions in future posts. For now, just try to remember that the conversation should be a learning one. If you don’t ask more questions, you aren’t learning where it came from, or how to avoid getting the same feedback again in the future.
In Summary
Just like the same authors advocate in Difficult Conversations, the way to make feedback conversations useful lies in adopting a learning stance. Work to understand where the feedback giver is coming from; understand the differences in your observations and interpretations, and their observations and interpretations. Stone and Heen recommend two questions. In order, they are: 1) What’s different? and 2) What’s right?
There will always be a nugget of truth to the feedback you’re given. If nothing else, it’s that you are getting your wires crossed with this person. Unfortunately, you’ve got blind spots, all kinds of blindspots. A few quick ways to find them: get a (neutral, honest) second opinion, record yourself (yes, really. audio or video.), and get real with yourself – are you holding attitudes or beliefs that are obvious (and unpleasant) to your peers? Work on it.
This one time…
I got some evaluative feedback. It was in an in-person meeting, just me and three supervisors meeting for a 360 evaluation. Supervisor #1 said that my ability to work on the timelines of other organizations needed work. This was pretty serious since my position’s entire purpose was to work with partner non-profits to coordinate programs for students.Yikes, right?
I’d love to say that I thought of a few follow-up questions all on my own, but I’d be lying. I was 21, and it was my first job out of college. I totally choked.
Remember how I said that there were 3 supervisors in the room? Supervisor #2 asked what made Supervisor #1 say that, since they had observed me working well with the timelines of several organizations to keep our regular programs running smoothly. Turns out, Supervisor #1 was mostly concerned with how I had not planned far enough ahead to secure a plethora of donations from different local businesses for a student event I was running soon.
Their answer helped me learn where the feedback was coming from; Supervisor #1 interpreted this failure (and it was a failure) as me lacking necessary planning skills when it comes to partnerships. I had attributed it to a lack of clear direction and being busy running a variety of other programs. Clearly, we weren’t on the same page.
Since I could understand what was different about our experiences of the situation, I started to focus on what was right about her feedback. What was that, you ask? I should have planned to ask questions. I knew that I was going to have run this student event in December. I knew that I had never done it before and that the thought of it made me uncomfortable. I recognized that this had lead me to procrastinate.
I made a plan for running the second event in May, shared it with Supervisor #1, and put reminders on my calendar. I learned a lot from this experience, and it’s still an example that I rely on when I get that dreaded interview question, “Tell me about a time that you got tough feedback from a boss.”
Stay tune for more on feedback! Next up: relationship triggers.
According to Aubs 