Friday Reads: Difficult Conversations

Difficult Conversations blew my mind in graduate school. It has stuck with me ever since because of the simple way in which it lays out the core hurdles of difficult conversations of all kinds. It is an important read for anyone who has to have difficult conversations at work, and has played a major role in the way that I hold any challenging conversations with my co-workers.

The authors posit that every time we have a difficult conversation, there are really three separate conversations happening:

1. The “What Happened” Conversation
2. The Feelings Conversation
3. The Identity Conversation

They then lay out the solution: shifting to a learning stance.The path, in simplest terms, looks like this:

1. Sort out the three conversations… with yourself
   • What happened?
     • What’s the third story? (The one that isn’t yours, or their’s)
     • How has it impacted you?
     • How have you contributed to the problem?
   • How do you feel about?
   • Ground your identity.
     • You’re not always right, and you don’t have to be.
     • This one conversation does not define you.
2. Check yourself: why do you want to have this conversation?
   • If the answer is, “to learn,” “to problem-solve,” or “to share,” then go ahead and have the conversation.
   • If not, a conversation may not solve the issue. Think about about how else you can let it go.
3. Start off on the right foot: What would a third party say?
   • Try to think about how someone who is not directly involved in the problem or conflict would see it.
   • Begin by sharing your purpose in having the conversation (ie. sharing, learning, or problem-solving).
   • Invite them to join you in the conversation; don’t make it mandatory. Coercion doesn’t help.
4. Get to know their story:
   • Listen to understand: don’t interrupt, ask open-ended questions.
   • Share your own understanding of the situation.
   • Keep the conversation on track.
     • Don’t deal in absolutes.
     • Avoid the blame-game. It doesn’t make room for your contribution to the problem.
5. Solve the problem:
   • Create options that address the concerns that are most important to each party involved.
   • Plan for future communication: you won’t be done addressing the issue after one conversation!

There are tons of other nuggets of wisdom in Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. It’s a short, well-organized read that I practically flew through, but it has really stuck with me.

Pick up a copy. The next time you have a serious conversation, you’ll find that you aren’t talking past the person sitting across from you. It’s a pretty great feeling, and an important skill for the workplace.